Grief is an emotion many of us just do not want to feel, at least for any extended period of time. Sadness can precede deeper expressions of grief and if we do not fully understand ourselves psychologically, we can unconsciously resist releasing grief. Fear and dread of feeling sadness and buried grief can result in triggered avoidance patterns which actually prevent us from healing. This resistance, also known as “psyhological defenses” will block our ability to naturally root in our authentic selves. If we habitually restrict the release of grief in life, we may preclude the experiencing true joy, forgiveness and compassion.
I’ve encountered people who admit to “not being able to cry” as if their need to grieve is literally energetically stopped up and blocked from expression, even if they want to. It is noteworthy that if we look at the many layers of emotions and expressions of uncomfortable feelings, these can really be disquised grief. A TEdX talk by Joan Rosenberg entitled, “A Pathway to Forgiveness” elaborates on many of the expressions of disguised grief. (See: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UacbvBcbP34)
Ms. Rosenberg notes that grief is usually defined as:
But disguised grief is what may keep us “stuck” unknowingly. Things like:
- Leftover Anger
- Long Standing Hurt
- Hating others
A metaphor to imagine understanding these layers of feelings could be like various rock layers of aquafirs. An aquifer is an underground layer of water-bearing permeable rock, rock fractures or unconsolidated materials. Rainwater seeps through the fractures and rock layers until it can be filtered and retrieved via a deep well or into springs. The bottom most layer of rock, as an analogy, would be grief, and the water being “awareness and insight” as consciousness energy moves from the various layers of rock (aka different emotions) to the the most refined layer after which a more purified water can be retrieved.
In other words, if the grieving process hasn’t fully taken place for someone who has endured significant trauma and loss, they will not really heal and instead cycle through a combination of different moods, feelings, habits, behaviors, distorted beliefs, obsessions, compulsions and even addictions in order to avoid that “last stage” of grief. Because grief is such a heavy emotional experience, we may spend our entire lives dancing in webs of psychological patterns that are maladaptive later in life such as what is experinenced in Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or CPTSD. The Four F’s of “Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn are just a sample of the main types of trauma reactions that shape our psychological state of being. (See Psychotherapist Pete Walker’s web site: http://pete-walker.com)
If we can fully understand our human reaction to pervasive long term trauma, such as narcissistic abuse, we will be able to integrate walled of trauma and recover more quickly. But most people don’t even understand this and miss out on the opportunity to surrender to the release of grief. The need for safety, understanding and space to process these feelings is essential in the psychotherapeutic healing process. We must go the distance to explore and express a spectrum of emotions to experience the contentment of finally being able to be who we are, when we can safely get to the root of our traumas. And that means being able to dispel those ”bottles of grief” that we have stored for a long time inside us.
In my own specialty of Anomalous Trauma, I see variations and patterns of how people “survive”, cope and adapt to these unusual traumas. Anomalous trauma carries a significant aspect of “paranormal experiences” and what we have later called “hyperdimensional interference patterns” especially in relationships such as “the alien love bite” or forms of false twin flame love connections. (See: https://evelorgen.com/wp) When there are manifestations of other dimensional “attachments”, demonic activity or mind control “handling”, then we have a more complex issue, much like secondary infections or co-morbidities in physical illnesses. Nonetheless, healing from anomalous trauma can be done, but self-understanding is crucial. There are many ideas, theories and beliefs about psychology and “spirituality” these days and some of these beliefs and assumptions are what get us into trouble and can even act as diversions to healing.
Blocks to healing can happen by:
- Shaming of negative emotions
Corrupted beliefs that infer uncomfortable emotions such as sadness and grief are “negative vibrational frequency to be avoided and should be “transmuted” or cleared, but no real healing modalities are thoroughly practiced or even understood from a professional psychological standpoint. Alot of talking head New Age buzz words are used, but no real action or working a recovery program are really exemplified. This kind of “shaming” is a form of gaslighting when the person or client expresses sadness or feels stuck and unable to “cry”. And they are told that they are being negative and may be shunned and shamed socially. I’ve seen this happen even in alleged “support groups” and when this happens that person may shut down and never feel safe enough to share or express their feelings ever again.
Prevention of real healing and integration often happens via:
- Distractions, addictions and obsessive compulsive behaviors
- Mental thinking and functioning as and addiction to avoid rooted beingness, to bypass bad feelings which never have been released. Like the “science computer geek aspberger types”, mental masturbation and emotionally absent ways of being.
- Perfectionism, Co-Dependency behaviors, Cluster B personality disorders like narcissistic, borderline and sociopathic behaviors such as controllers and manipulators like cult leaders
- False or limited beliefs regarding human psychology and “emotional literacy healing work” commonly negated in some cultures, fundamental religions and New Age circles
- “Screen saver” platitudes, behaviors or beliefs which prevent deeper self-realization. This is common in some New Age therapies, which offer platitudes and false hopes like in psychic readings of new love and changes to come into ones life or in some Tarot card readings. Fluffy false love and light psychobabble that sugar coats deeper issues and compulsively avoids grief recongition and deeper self-inquiry work that reveals core traumas.
- Spirit entity attachments, demonic oppression and possession.
- Lack of recognition, understanding and management of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder CPTSD “Emotional Flashbacking”.
Understanding Grief and Doing the Real Healing Work
Real recovery and integration ultimately comes from the release of sadness and grief, and a measurable degree of self-understanding and acceptance of reality as it is NOW. Deep insight and self-forgiveness opens up, so that forgiveness and empathic caring for others arises naturally. Certain compulsive and negative behavior patterns lesson, and addictions no longer are as problematic when the real healing takes place. Transmutation of “negative energy emotions” cannot happen unless the grieving process has or is taking place. And that means being in the body, feeling what we feel and letting it pass through us in whatever time is needed for us. Our greatest insights and compassion can happen only when we let go of what has held us back from feeling this kind of grief, sadness and loss. Our entire world view may change when we reach the deeper layers of authentic beingness. Oftentimes the grief is realizing the loss of “illusions” we held or hoped for about ourselves or others.
A novel healing modality called The Energy Dynamic Model created by Jennifer Foster (See: https://www.energydynamic.co.uk) is a surprisingly simple and effective way to understand ourselves as we are, and then through this work, become rooted in our true selves which allows a more relaxed contentedness of being who we are in the real world. This modality parallels a Taoist way of energetically understanding ourselves in its simple application for healing. What is wonderful about the EDM is how we can understand who we are, our energy needs, feelings and learning styles. This modality helps us perceive how feelings, power needs and the flow of abundance in life can happen for us. It clarifies what “bad feels” (ultimately grief) are, and what good feels (peace) are in the “real world of beingness”. This clarity gradually allows us to empty the “grief bottles” naturally, without resistance or fear. This model also can explain why many people are “stuck in old grief” unable to cry or heal, and never seem to “heal and recover” from trauma despite knowing “all about it”.
The Energy Dynamic Model consists of an understanding of:
- Who We Are in the real world
- The Real World (physical world and emotional environment, how we feel and other people we are around)
- How We Feel
- Good Feels (safety, peace, love, being valued, health)
- Bad Feels (ultimately grief, or bottles of grief stored up inside of us)
- The Brain
- The Mind as in the Mental Realm and Illusory world, but not in the “feel world”. Many get stuck here too, collecting distracting ticks of energy that feel good but are illusory and won’t heal us in the real world.
- Spiritual World (a pure higher dimensional awareness where you can generate good feel energy, but difficult to generate enough animal power needs to empty grief bottles stuck in the “real world”. This is where many people get confused and dissociate but are not fully present in the body to take care of the real business of GRIEVING.
- Our Truth based upon who we are now in the Real World
Taking off the Mask
To be fully authentic in the REAL WORLD we must allow the space and willingness for self-understanding. This means letting go of whatever resistence we may be carrying that is diverting us from the real path of integration, healing and recovery from trauma. This resistance takes many masked forms such as mentally “living in our heads”, spiritual bypassing and numerous disguised forms of grief. The instinct for psychological and physical survival in the face of trauma is deeper than most of us, even the experts, realize. It takes an active, humble practice to be and feel who we are in the real world. And we need to do this alone and in groups with consistent interpersonal social interactions until true change emerges over time. Once we do this and can walk a new path of authentic beingness, true contentment and acceptance of life can actually be lived in the REAL WORLD.