Cleaning Up Others Messes: When is Enough?

There comes a point in our own healing and “waking up” process, where the uncomfortable aftermath of recovery from anomalous trauma, may result in having to clean up the mess of what has become of our own life. Sometimes we end up cleaning up others messes as well. It may not be as severe a situation as narcissistic abuse—like severing a relationship with a mind controlled or hosted “handler” type or an addict who refuses to deal with their shi**. Maybe it is the aftermath of a divorce or a messy “roommate” relationship that you find yourself having to constantly clean up after.

If you consistently keep finding yourself in situations where you end up “cleaning up after others messes”, you may still be operating in a co-dependent fashion. These messes can be physical, like always ending up picking up after someone, washing their dishes, doing their laundry, clearing the trail of endless clutter they leave in your home or shared space. Or those who leave toxic emotional dumping clouds of energy in your home. It could be you finding yourself making excuses for the “abuser/manipulator/addict” who, due to their own unresolved issues, make poor choices and you end up paying for their stupid mistakes. Paying their bills, and organizing their life for them. Or maybe it’s the slob next door—who allows their dog to poop in your yard repeatedly without picking it up and disposing of it. (I actually have found a hilarious remedy for that—but I digress…) Do you find yourself having failed friendships, and find yourself making up excuses for a spouses poor behavior and even believing those excuses?

The messes can be emotional “clutter” of others who will not deal with their shi**, and who actually manipulate you into cleaning up after them, and even feeling responsible for them.
I find it mind boggling, and yes— enraging—at how other people, who put on pretenses that they are poor victims of circumstance, who have never really dealt with their sh**, live their entire lives and mold their personality style into manipulators who take from others, while appearing like innocent, powerless victims. They can be experts at entrapping you into taking care of them, paying for their repeated poor choices, expecting to be rescued every time they become helpless casualties of some circumstance from “another’s abuse”. Another lost job, romantic break up etc. Or the poor, lonely “little harmless old ladies”, with a conglomerate of health issues who entrap you into long, never ending, life-force sucking conversations and dramas, so that you find yourself driving them to the store, to the doctor, to the cafe, and soon they are on your doorstep like a feral cat waiting to find a place to nest in with you to die. Sucking you dry of all life force, time, energy and squandering your resources. And somehow you feel guilty if you don’t help these poor helpless people who somehow keep finding you because you are nice! Sometimes this happens to “empathic people” who want to care but they tend to be taken advantage of by “expert career manipulators”. The reason why they are such expert manipulators is because there is a huge unaware part of their psyche that truly believes they are powerless victims and the only way to get what they want, is to control, coerce, and expertly engineer clever ways for others into feeling sorry for them, feel guilty into giving something to them. Not only this, but they can do this in a way where they expect to be treated like royalty, you give them an inch and they take a mile, then make you feel guilty for not giving them more. Or maybe they just steal things from you, and justify that it’s not even stealing, because after all, in their minds, you can afford what they can’t so you should just give it to them. So they save you the trouble and just take it!

Now there are also users, takers and manipulators who do this through laziness, and fully cognizant pretenses, simply because they would rather someone else to be their slave to pick up after them. You know, the kind that use you for their battery and will not stop taking your energy unless they have something to fear, like real consequences. These kinds of people have no honor and tend to also be abusers, sometimes in a clandestine way such as the covert, narcissist personality types. They tend to be partnered with co dependent victim people who have not yet learned how to respect themselves and set firm boundaries.

When you think about it, sometimes the covert manipulators are worse than the outright thieves or abusers who make no pretenses of what they want and do. I’m not exonerating the overt abusers here, just making a point about how there are two sides to the same kinds of behaviors going on. One is overt, perpetrators of abuse, the other is covert victim, who also abuses but does this through hidden manipulation. Less harmful perhaps, but still an act of deceitful theft, essentially.


Belief in Powerlessness or Outright Laziness?

It all boils down to having some deep seated belief in being powerless and not having the courage, means, skill and humility to communicate appropriately and take personal responsibility to change their situations. This can go on for generations, and in some cultures where the female gender was oppressed and devalued for example, they can become expert manipulators and pass on these dysfunctional behaviors and beliefs until they are forced to change. And believe it or not, when someone carries the frequency of, “I am a powerless victim” this actually draws to you, an abuser to compliment your shadow side. Sometimes these manipulative, whining victim, or abusive behaviors need to be confronted in therapy. More often than not it will be forced to come to the surface in less favorable circumstances, perhaps in an embarrassing squabble in public. You know, the kind that just “pops out” when they had a little too much to drink and WHAM, they do something completely asinine!

If you are doing your own healing work, it may come to the point of realizing it is no longer your responsibility to put up with others messes anymore and you must find a way to confront them, so that YOU don’t have to deal with their sh** anymore. At some point some of us have had to say “No more! I will no longer be willing to deal with your dysfunctional behaviors any longer and am telling you now what I see as an unacceptable situation for me.” This is when you come to realize, “what is yours is yours, and what it mine is mine, and from here on out, YOU CLEAN UP YOUR OWN MESSES!”


Taking Personal Responsibility by Communicating Well

This is when it becomes difficult, because on the one hand, it is your responsibility to do what you can to communicate effectively, with integrity, even compassionately, to let the other person know how their behavior affects you. You can do this with the 4 Rules of Compassionate Communication by doing the Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests. (See: It needs to be spoken in non-demanding, nor angry tones or blaming language. If you are angry, scared or feeling too triggered, it’s best to wait, think things through, write it out succinctly or take a time out. Then return to the issue when you are calmer and focused and clear on what you observe, feel, need and want. And here you must really be wise on what language to use, keeping in mind what words connote blame or judgement, and be honest with what you are really feeling and what this triggers inside of you. If you can be present with the feelings inside you, and come to understand on a deeper level what is really happening here, you will be able to be present with the other person more effectively in communication. And even if you do this with finesse, compassionate assertiveness and all of that—you may still end up with a volatile situation where you end up feeling like you’ve lost the battle. The other person, being unaware of what they habitually do, will most likely react with defense, justification and blame. So prepare yourself. Most people do not really know how to communicate compassionately, with ethical consideration or self awareness. They tend to react and habitually defend their position. It may not be a battle, but a potentially hurtful situation, and depending on how the other “confronted” person reacts or responds, may determine what you now must do, to take ethical responsibility. This is always hardest with a spouse, family member or maybe someone you work with closely like a business partner.

On a larger scale, ethical communication skills are much needed in diplomacy, international relations and business negotiations. I believe every educational system should incorporate these basics, because obviously most of us did not learn this growing up, even in relatively “functional families”. And the cost of misunderstanding is so huge that to not value or learn such simple, basic—non-violent communication skills is nothing short of stupidity.


Manipulation Tactics are Acts of Disrespect and Theft

It is especially challenging when you must confront someone who you have known or lived with a long time like a parent or older sibling who has gotten used to “manipulating you” for example, with guilt trips. Or maybe it’s the neighborhood bully, drug lord or crime boss. Or a spouse who will keep doing everything they can to throw you back into the “role” of the defenseless victim so they can maintain control to avoid their own self-responsibility—thus leaving you with a big mess or emotional toxic dump that is not your stuff. What can you do or say in such situations?

Let’s say you grew up in an alcoholic home, where the usual avoidance behaviors of one parent was to blame the other or play the whining victim, so it’s up to you to be the peacekeeper in the home. And if you don’t do this job, by placating the rage-aholic, abuser-alcoholic, etc., you or others could very well get severely injured. Of course, having to confront someone when you have these kinds of memories, can trigger feelings so intense, it causes you to freeze up and feel that same fear for your life all over again. You become like a deer caught in the headlights or tongue tied. Or you become so enraged at the slightest sense of being manipulated that you can literally become unglued and lose it, and then say angry, blaming things that really hurt the other person. If these kinds of feelings come up for you, when interacting with a “manipulator” then it’s best to take a time out and calm down. Think things through, organize your thoughts, feelings and what exactly you would like to communicate so that you don’t end up being abusive yourself. Be wise on not getting yourself possibly injured or killed by a narcissist abuser who is violent and untrustworthy. In some situations, obviously you must opt for silence or learn how to be the perfect operative “super spy” to get yourself out of a very dangerous situation, like in the movie, “Sleeping with the Enemy” movie with Julia Roberts. (See:

Here you really have to assess the situation because you don’t want to fuel an already volatile situation with someone dangerous who is looking for a fight. Being a wise martial artist like “Kung Fu” may be the best approach, if you have the skills to do so.

A helpful way to organize your communication is to have the 4 aspects of Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests written down, and have a pre made list of verbs, feelings, needs and language that is simple, non blaming and really clear, so that you can “fill in the blanks” and edit simple phrases to speak or write. Taking a Compassionate Communication Course is a great way to initiate such self responsibility. (See: Practice with a group or counselor first, or read it through with a neutral listener before barging ahead to “let the manipulator have it”. This is not about punishment or judgement, but clearing your own self of how you have been pulled into someone else’s “Game” of manipulation, and finding a legal exit and emotional resolution, so you can end this cycle of suffering and madness.

I believe in offering a time frame, maybe 24-48 hours before you communicate (especially if you were triggered) or for the other to respond from your communication before making any kind of consequential decisions. If it’s possible, communicate in ways where you both can reach a heart level of empathy for each others feelings, beliefs and situation.

As many of us know who have had to leave a narcissist or any kind of abuser, addict etc., the moment you start to do your own real healing work and take self-responsibility is when they really start to initiate all sorts of control tactics, triggering dramas and scheming entrapment scenarios. (Or even paranormal interference patterns start amping up.) When these things happen, a chicanery of theft is actually going on with your time, energy or resources. When people habitually do things like “tell you what you are going to do with commands, (unless it’s your boss at work and you made a legal agreement to do this job, etc.) or they keep you in the dark without communicating true intentions or plans that affect you, habitually manipulate or guilt trip you, then it is time to confront them. Or initiate the no contact rule. Once the lightbulb goes off that when people do these kinds of behaviors habitually, they are in actuality, users and takers, who are essentially carrying out actions of theft and deceit. Of course they may not be aware of what they are actually doing, but some very well do know what they are doing. In these situations, it can be helpful if you have an ally, whether it is a mediator in a legal divorce settlement, a marriage counselor, or perhaps in a family intervention situation with the assistance of an addiction & recovery counselor or police officer who is trained to deal with family interventions.

Here you must be willing to follow through on your own boundary assertions with consequences. This is hardest with children, teen agers, drug and alcohol abusers and learned helplessness conditioned, “whining victims” who have manipulated others for a lifetime. And of course some overt abusers will never change, unless they are stopped by force. In the least, we can stop feeding them our attention and energy. Disengage emotional contact with these people so they cannot get their hooks into you.


When Silence is Not Golden

If we can remind ourselves that our silence is our AGREEMENT OF ENTRAPMENT to be abused, tricked, cheated of our resources, time, energy, love, jobs, freedom—you fill in the blanks—then it is time we all learned how to communicate effectively and say NO. Let our declaration of non-consent of disrespect, thievery and abuse be known so that the full ramifications of consequences of the duplicitous users and takers be laid to rest. Let the chips fall where they may. I believe now is the time, where each individual must take personal responsibility to deal with their own stuff, and to stop expecting others to clean up their messes.

Perhaps some questions to ask are, “what in reality is “fair play”, and what are the true rules of the Game here? Have we been led to believe or make choices that have been deliberately laid out for us, within the limited parameters of multiple choices that keep leading us astray into the recycling game the Archontic parasites?

When we can start to master our own selves, clarify our own minds, balance our emotional energy and communicate effectively, then we can start dealing with the BIGGER ISSUES which await us all.
Related Articles:

For Sample Declaration of Non-Consent Statements See:

Statement of Non Consent to Enter the GAME of the Predator/Parasite

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